YSST: Life, Moods, Mortality...

When I was a kid, the thought of death, even at 100 years, was horrifying. Immortality was the way to go.

Curiously, scarily, I've felt so world-weary in recent years that I've begun to see how immortality would be a huge curse. Age doesn't feel as upsetting (I'm less young, less pretty!) but like an accomplishment- good for me, I got this far.

I don't crave death, but I don't entirely fear it either. This makes me sad and scared of my own mind.

(Today's post is the epitome of things you shouldn't say.)

YSST: One of the best things about the holidays was...

(Source)

... I inexplicably had a recurring sex fantasy about a vague memory of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that tried to hit on me like over two years ago at a pub, but who chickened out of really committing to his pick up line, blushed, clammed up and let his married friend crack jokes with my drunk a$$ until I stumbled off to the dance floor to swing my hips to Missy Elliot and promptly forgot everything except for the fact that some nice-enough dudes had totally been paying attention to me that night.

Why is this interesting? Because thinking about sex is fun, dudes.

Why that guy? No idea. Roll with it.

Everything else about Christmas was good too.

My Day in [Other People's] Pictures

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COMMUNITY

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I've found community in my hometown (City #1); a community I always knew I loved but wasn't able to nurture, or at least continue to establish myself in, until I moved home. It was a fantastic choice. (See prompt three.)

I've also found community within my profession; I'm fortunate enough to belong to a group of people who do super serious things, but feel a great passion for their work and are for the most part quite warm and supportive of each other.

I've found community in old friendships revisited, in a city that was always waiting for me (City #3!) with open arms... I just had to walk into them.

Where do I seek community? I'd like to be more active, more outdoorsy- I'd like a group of people who go outside and make adventures together. Whether these are new friends, or old friends with a purpose, that would make me happy. However I've talked about my aspirations for physical health before, and that hasn't really happened. ;)

I also have this fascination with a neighboring state specifically because it has always struck me as a place where a sense of community flourishes. I'm fairly in love with it, actually, despite having only visited it once. I'm terrified to actually go live there in case it would ruin the fantasy. Maybe it's better left untouched. However I would love to learn more and experience more of that place, and meet the people that make it what it is.

More Ketchup Please!

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

I MADE PIE!

Not just any pie, but just-like-grandma-did, true-to-my-roots Apple Pie.

It involves...

Apples (Farmers market, massive bag... $4.00. I win.)

Flour

BUTTER

Sugar Cinnamin

It will basically grow you a new butt cheek if you eat it. It's amazing. The roommates approve.

What do I want to make? So many things, the list is exhausting. I am a maker... or at the very least, a dreamer of making...

My list of things I aspire to make...

26 different paintings (i have ideas)

WINE

Pickled Carrots

Furniture (just in general... woodworking intrigues me)

A maxi dress

Purses out of repurposed leather

Tattoos (ambitious, but life is dull without ambition)

Murals

Music with a banjo

Fire (in a fire pit, don't get panicky)

Just a few. :) This is a fantastic prompt. I may have to revisit this.

December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

It's bed time, so let's make this snappy. I may come back and edit this into something more substantial later. For now it's going to be an indulgent run on sentence. Or a really long list of naval gazing.

I let go of the idea of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.

I let go of City #2.

(Which was part of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.)

I [almost entirely] let go of wanting to be good enough for him.

I let go of feeling like my exes were worth their trouble.

I let go of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for everytone else. A little bit. (You know what? I HATE apartments, I HATE living too far from my family and I think that many trendy big cities are too impressed with themselves, and that injures their capacity for actual community.)

I let go of my libido. This is not a good thing. I miss it a lot.

I let go of both of them. It hasn't been easy, and I'm embarrassed that it's been hard.

Those are the biggies. I will think of more.

Shall We Play A Game of Ketchup?

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I throw more clothes on my floor-pile-of-clothes.

I make awkward and poorly planned sandwiches before running out the door.

I do very serious things at work that are of a very serious nature and of which I will not share with you due to their seriousness.

Sometimes in between the serious things I send emails to friends and my mother.

I lounge in my living room basking in the companionship of my devilishly intelligent, witty and attractive roommate family.

At the time I also bask in the glory of Glee.

I write lists of things I should do.

I occasionally do homework, research very serious things and write serious papers.

I look for ways to alleviate the stress of the serious things- this often involves shopping for skinny jeans, costume jewelry and Christmassy things.

I nap.

I lay on my bed listening to music with my laptop perched on my stomach for up to an hour and I enjoy all of it.

So in retrospect, to be honest, writing is not my top priority. I like it, it gives me energy and makes me happy, but if I never publish a thing I'll still die quite happy. The very very serious things I mentioned? I wasn't being sarcastic, they are super serious and I like to work at them and get better at them and do a good job, so that's sort of my number one priority. Other things, like sandwich planning and bedroom tidyness tend to take a back seat. And that's okay.

However clearly, writing is enough a priority that I joined the #reverb daily prompts. Writing, especially on my reader-less zombie blog, has thus far been a great release. Part of me likes that someday someone might stumble upon it and read a paragraph or two, and another part of me is just aware that I type really fast and I get bored when scrawling in a journal (even though it's totally more romantic) most of the time. #reverb has been a good opportunity for reflection... thank you, #reverb.

December 3 – Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Only one, hey? You're a difficult master.

There are a lot of things I can't say. Partly due to the seriousness, but also just partly due to my own overdeveloped sense of privacy.

However I will say that this was an amazing summer. I had a summer job that was challenging, stimulating, rewarding, exhausting and perfect. I was outside. I was drenched in Vitamin D. I could never pick a moment from an entire year, but let it be known that this was an amazing summer that resurrected parts of myself that have been dormant and swimming in muck for far too long. (EVIL DEVIL BOY!) I forgot everything but the moment because I had no choice, I was so busy, and I felt a peace I've been missing. I reclaimed my capacity for gratitude. I felt passion. (Not for a dude, chill.) I felt passion for work and while I didn't completely save myself from the pains I've inflicted on my flailing heart, I felt hope again and I felt a lot more self-love than I have in far too long.

My summer was sunshine, oxygen, burnt skin, freckles, tired calves, muddy feet, purpose, drive and balance.

It's trite because I can't tell you what happened. I can't tell you partly due to need for privacy but partly because I don't really know. I just know it was amazing and I reclaimed a part of myself, and accepted myself.

Lastly, I am a child of the sun and wind and cold, and I need the land I came from. My most alive moment? Always outside, always running and always loving nature.

December 4 – Wonder.

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

(See above.)

No, really. I'm not going to write an entire mini-post on this because

a) lazy

b) don't wanna

c) it would be horribly redundant

I cultivated a sense of wonder this year by GOING OUTSIDE. By surrounding myself with the people I love instead of masochistically challenging myself to be only amongst strangers, to build character. (Who does that?!) I built myself up and it gave me time to look around and marvel. My needs were met and I could start satiating my wants. It's an amazing feeling. I'm in an entirely different head space than a year ago. I think my COMMUTE is pretty (it's not) and I've had more fun people watching this year than even my first year of university. (I was horny, 18 and there were boys everywhere- this is normal.)

I've learnt that I can't make this last. I've learnt that I can't build something for myself that will last my whole life, but I can thank the world for all I have every day and enjoy it as much as I can, and hope to learn as much as possible.

Nature, loved ones, loving thyself. Pretty sure that's in a pamphlet somewhere, but that recipe took me a while to concoct on my own.