Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Little Perspective

So, in the last month I've written four or five "secret" angsty posts that I never published.

I can sum them up as "blah blah blah, evil devil boy, blah blah blah."

I think we've all heard a few versions of that story before, so I'm going to spare any readers that pain and spare me the annoyance of rehashing that tripe again.

One thing I need to do, when I find myself wallowing in the muck of my own masochistic mind when I'm grieving, is find those opportunities to truly pull myself back out of myself and get some perspective. Perspective on the weight of my own problems and the width of the world. (It's wide. Very, very wide.) There are a lot of times that I'll remind myself, "Hey, buck up buttercup because you have legs and some people don't. Get grateful." but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm in the wrong frame of mind and just continue to wallow in my self-pity, and sometimes I just need that specific story, that specific mirror of another's experiences to remind me that I'm not alone in the world, I'm not the only one experiencing pain and grief and there are a lot of beautiful things in the world that I could be experiencing instead.

The following short video just kicked my ass left, right and sideways. It's a little heartbreaking, and the Ethics Cop in me wonders if it's not a bit exploitive at the very end, but it's raw and more honest than most conversations.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I want to spend my life in the good moments. Just the good moments.

(No lectures about the importance of hard times to appreciate the good times now, I'm dreaming. Let me dream.)

I want to spend my life the way I spent this summer.
Correction, the way I spent this summer before someone poured lemon juice and salt and vodka on an old wound of mine that just keeps flaring up. Really, the wound (who is a person) is more of an ulcer that just doesn't seem to go away.

Before "The Ulcer" flared up again (damn them), I had almost everything I needed. Their memory was finally becoming more distant, diluting itself. I was spending my time in the sunshine (best. job. ever.), reconnecting with friends I'd missed and my weekends were always at a wedding.

Which might sound like crap to you, but I spent my weekends celebrating, dancing, eating good food, feeling pretty and most importantly, reminding people that I loved them and that I loved that they loved each other. (Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Mmmm mmmm good.)

I want to spend my life loving what I do have.
I want to spend it hugging people that I love all the time.
I want to spend it with enough emotional energy TO love people and to be open to new people in my life.
I want to find a way not to care when my family asks why I still don't have a boyfriend. (Family, when I have a boyfriend worth introducing to you, I promise you'll meet them.)
I want to be able to having fulfilling companionship in my life; I don't want to give up on that yet.
I don't want to wake up thinking of my demons.
I don't want to have a demon at all.
I want to break the cycle that I'm in.
I want to do meaningful work. (I'm on track! Whoo hoo!)

I want to never feel the urge to write such a trite/emo/serious post again. Ever. (I probably will, but probably won't post it. Hell, I might not post this.)

On the plus side of life, despite the re-emergence of "The Ulcer," (goawaygoawaygoaway), I, um... have some really good tea right now. And amazing friends who've lasted for years and will last for years more. And a warm place to sleep which is more than I can say for many people in this world.

So I should tuck my first-world problems away and figure out a way to vanquish them later.

Peace out.

~ Paisley