December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

It's bed time, so let's make this snappy. I may come back and edit this into something more substantial later. For now it's going to be an indulgent run on sentence. Or a really long list of naval gazing.

I let go of the idea of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.

I let go of City #2.

(Which was part of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.)

I [almost entirely] let go of wanting to be good enough for him.

I let go of feeling like my exes were worth their trouble.

I let go of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for everytone else. A little bit. (You know what? I HATE apartments, I HATE living too far from my family and I think that many trendy big cities are too impressed with themselves, and that injures their capacity for actual community.)

I let go of my libido. This is not a good thing. I miss it a lot.

I let go of both of them. It hasn't been easy, and I'm embarrassed that it's been hard.

Those are the biggies. I will think of more.

Whoops

Okay, so I didn't blog in a while.

In a long while.

Which is very naughty blogging behavior, even for someone with literally no readers.

Anyways.

I have some serious homework to do today, both life and school, and if my thoughts don't stop tumbling around my head there's a good chance I'll never focus on anything long enough to accomplish it.

Random Thought #1:

Have you ever noticed how many people describe themselves as "the people that leave,"? As the people who run from relationships? Whenever they're criticizing themselves, they lament that they are completely unable to commit to someone, to something. They had a great thing, and they just took off, what's wrong?

How on EARTH is this even possible that EVERYONE is the leaver? EVERYONE!? In my observations and experience, it's usually just one person who does the leaving, and another one who gets left. How could we ALL be the leavers? Is that just the sexiest of the interpersonal problems? Everyone needs a reason to explain why they're alone and their needs aren't getting met, so they choose the socialization vice that makes them seem and feel most in control?

It always seems to me that the people who advertise their inability to stay when things are good are usually trying to convince themselves that they're in control. Rather than criticizing themselves for abandoning something worthwhile, it seems that it's more of a celebration of their maintained upper hand.

Do the real "Leavers" (the true pathological leavers) really advertise this fact? Would they really even want anyone to know?

Sometimes I'm jealous of the Leavers. Although I guess I probably wouldn't remember anyone I'd left, since I wasn't attached enough to notice.

Other random thoughts forthcoming throughout the day as they distract me...