December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

It's bed time, so let's make this snappy. I may come back and edit this into something more substantial later. For now it's going to be an indulgent run on sentence. Or a really long list of naval gazing.

I let go of the idea of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.

I let go of City #2.

(Which was part of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.)

I [almost entirely] let go of wanting to be good enough for him.

I let go of feeling like my exes were worth their trouble.

I let go of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for everytone else. A little bit. (You know what? I HATE apartments, I HATE living too far from my family and I think that many trendy big cities are too impressed with themselves, and that injures their capacity for actual community.)

I let go of my libido. This is not a good thing. I miss it a lot.

I let go of both of them. It hasn't been easy, and I'm embarrassed that it's been hard.

Those are the biggies. I will think of more.

I want to spend my life in the good moments. Just the good moments.

(No lectures about the importance of hard times to appreciate the good times now, I'm dreaming. Let me dream.)

I want to spend my life the way I spent this summer.

Correction, the way I spent this summer before someone poured lemon juice and salt and vodka on an old wound of mine that just keeps flaring up. Really, the wound (who is a person) is more of an ulcer that just doesn't seem to go away.

Before "The Ulcer" flared up again (damn them), I had almost everything I needed. Their memory was finally becoming more distant, diluting itself. I was spending my time in the sunshine (best. job. ever.), reconnecting with friends I'd missed and my weekends were always at a wedding.

Which might sound like crap to you, but I spent my weekends celebrating, dancing, eating good food, feeling pretty and most importantly, reminding people that I loved them and that I loved that they loved each other. (Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Mmmm mmmm good.)

I want to spend my life loving what I do have.

I want to spend it hugging people that I love all the time.

I want to spend it with enough emotional energy TO love people and to be open to new people in my life.

I want to find a way not to care when my family asks why I still don't have a boyfriend. (Family, when I have a boyfriend worth introducing to you, I promise you'll meet them.)

I want to be able to having fulfilling companionship in my life; I don't want to give up on that yet.

I don't want to wake up thinking of my demons.

I don't want to have a demon at all.

I want to break the cycle that I'm in.

I want to do meaningful work. (I'm on track! Whoo hoo!)

I want to never feel the urge to write such a trite/emo/serious post again. Ever. (I probably will, but probably won't post it. Hell, I might not post this.)

On the plus side of life, despite the re-emergence of "The Ulcer," (goawaygoawaygoaway), I, um... have some really good tea right now. And amazing friends who've lasted for years and will last for years more. And a warm place to sleep which is more than I can say for many people in this world.

So I should tuck my first-world problems away and figure out a way to vanquish them later.

Peace out.

~ Paisley

YSST: Various and Random

1.) I'm really attracted to good calves.

2.) When I look at many of my friends, I have bum envy.

3.) There's a certain plastic surgery I lust after, but will probably never get. (It has nothing to do with my bum or calves though.)

4.) I think I'm over my ex!I (I can't tell my real-world people though, because if I'm not quite yet I don't want to sound the trumpet too soon.)

5.) I think all I really want is the simple life. With occasional international adventures, a miniature donkey and maybe a good vietnamese/japanese/ethiopian restaurant nearby.

YSST: Uniforms are so f***ing sexy.

It's true! You know it's true.

Yet I never want to admit it, as though somehow it makes me weak. Or worse, a naughty-fraudulent feminist. Just like in high school you didn't want to admit that football players/hockey players/volleyball players/basketball players... really any boy who participated in some sort of competitive, organized sport had an added appeal.

You know, because, I'm just soooo above that. My sex drive just has to be more refined. I can only get turned on by intellect, ambition, worldliness...

(To be fair, those are all turn-ons of mine too...)

But you know what? In an of themselves, it's not enough. Are you a driven brainiac who's travelled to 10+ countries? That's so sweet; let's be friends and talk all the time, text like crazy but never even cuddle.

Why? I want your mind and not your body, buddy.

And I feel bad about that, because you seem really nice and like you probably deserve my attentions more than that last guy... but the more I try to convince myself to "just get over it" and have a somewhat-sexy-party with you... the more I'm convinced that celibacy ain't half bad, because if I'm celibate there's still technically a chance that somewhere in the future I'll be dating a super-smart, well travelled, kind dude who happens to look frahking hot in a uniform.

I'd really like to include, like, 42 pictures of shirtless firemen right now, but I'm still not sure about law surrounding use of images so we'll have to use our imaginations.

That is all.

-Paisley