Tuesday, December 28, 2010

YSST: One of the best things about the holidays was...


... I inexplicably had a recurring sex fantasy about a vague memory of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that tried to hit on me like over two years ago at a pub, but who chickened out of really committing to his pick up line, blushed, clammed up and let his married friend crack jokes with my drunk a$$ until I stumbled off to the dance floor to swing my hips to Missy Elliot and promptly forgot everything except for the fact that some nice-enough dudes had totally been paying attention to me that night.

Why is this interesting? Because thinking about sex is fun, dudes.
Why that guy? No idea. Roll with it.

Everything else about Christmas was good too.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

'Beautifully Different' (oh. come. on.)




Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

Well, well, well... aren't we going out of our way to be positive and practice self-love today.

You may tell from my snarkiness that it's not the head space I'm in at the moment, HOWEVER, that's probably exactly why I should blog riiiiiight about now.

1.) I'm really comfortable talking about the scary, ugly parts of life. Like, to the point that I have to be careful that I'm judging my audience well, because I'll quite naturally barrel into a full blown discussion of the rapes in the Congo... and you know what? There's a lot of people who just don't want to go there with me. Not better, not worse, but certainly different.

2.) God, this is way harder than I excepted.

2.) Okay, I need another try at #2.... I went to post-secondary? That doesn't sound different, but it's important to remember that the greater majority of the population doesn't have that privilege, and I'm a lucky bumpkin.

3.) I seem to make humorous stories about the otherwise mundane. (So I'm told. I'm really relying on outside information for that one.)

4.) I rock at traveling solo. No all-inclusive resort, no back-packing buddy, I got this. (All though the other options sound fun too!)

5.) I kick bum at making new friends of the same sex. (Hey, some people struggle with that, right? Credit where credit's due.)

6.) I am very passionate about the super serious things I do at work- I know that not everyone has the benefit of that kind of driving force in their life. Gratitude, yo.

7.) I'm a big time over-thinker. This is both a strength and major hindrance in life.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

COMMUNITY

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I've found community in my hometown (City #1); a community I always knew I loved but wasn't able to nurture, or at least continue to establish myself in, until I moved home. It was a fantastic choice. (See prompt three.)

I've also found community within my profession; I'm fortunate enough to belong to a group of people who do super serious things, but feel a great passion for their work and are for the most part quite warm and supportive of each other.

I've found community in old friendships revisited, in a city that was always waiting for me (City #3!) with open arms... I just had to walk into them.

Where do I seek community? I'd like to be more active, more outdoorsy- I'd like a group of people who go outside and make adventures together. Whether these are new friends, or old friends with a purpose, that would make me happy. However I've talked about my aspirations for physical health before, and that hasn't really happened. ;)

I also have this fascination with a neighboring state specifically because it has always struck me as a place where a sense of community flourishes. I'm fairly in love with it, actually, despite having only visited it once. I'm terrified to actually go live there in case it would ruin the fantasy. Maybe it's better left untouched. However I would love to learn more and experience more of that place, and meet the people that make it what it is.

More Ketchup Please!

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

I MADE PIE!

Not just any pie, but just-like-grandma-did, true-to-my-roots Apple Pie.
It involves...

Apples (Farmers market, massive bag... $4.00. I win.)
Flour
BUTTER
Sugar Cinnamin

It will basically grow you a new butt cheek if you eat it. It's amazing. The roommates approve.

What do I want to make? So many things, the list is exhausting. I am a maker... or at the very least, a dreamer of making...

My list of things I aspire to make...

26 different paintings (i have ideas)
WINE
Pickled Carrots
Furniture (just in general... woodworking intrigues me)
A maxi dress
Purses out of repurposed leather
Tattoos (ambitious, but life is dull without ambition)
Murals
Music with a banjo
Fire (in a fire pit, don't get panicky)

Just a few. :) This is a fantastic prompt. I may have to revisit this.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

December 5Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?


It's bed time, so let's make this snappy. I may come back and edit this into something more substantial later. For now it's going to be an indulgent run on sentence. Or a really long list of naval gazing.

I let go of the idea of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.

I let go of City #2.

(Which was part of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for him.)

I [almost entirely] let go of wanting to be good enough for him.

I let go of feeling like my exes were worth their trouble.

I let go of what I thought I had to be to be good enough for everytone else. A little bit. (You know what? I HATE apartments, I HATE living too far from my family and I think that many trendy big cities are too impressed with themselves, and that injures their capacity for actual community.)

I let go of my libido. This is not a good thing. I miss it a lot.

I let go of both of them. It hasn't been easy, and I'm embarrassed that it's been hard.


Those are the biggies. I will think of more.

Shall We Play A Game of Ketchup?

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I throw more clothes on my floor-pile-of-clothes.
I make awkward and poorly planned sandwiches before running out the door.
I do very serious things at work that are of a very serious nature and of which I will not share with you due to their seriousness.
Sometimes in between the serious things I send emails to friends and my mother.
I lounge in my living room basking in the companionship of my devilishly intelligent, witty and attractive roommate family.
At the time I also bask in the glory of Glee.
I write lists of things I should do.
I occasionally do homework, research very serious things and write serious papers.
I look for ways to alleviate the stress of the serious things- this often involves shopping for skinny jeans, costume jewelry and Christmassy things.
I nap.
I lay on my bed listening to music with my laptop perched on my stomach for up to an hour and I enjoy all of it.

So in retrospect, to be honest, writing is not my top priority. I like it, it gives me energy and makes me happy, but if I never publish a thing I'll still die quite happy. The very very serious things I mentioned? I wasn't being sarcastic, they are super serious and I like to work at them and get better at them and do a good job, so that's sort of my number one priority. Other things, like sandwich planning and bedroom tidyness tend to take a back seat. And that's okay.

However clearly, writing is enough a priority that I joined the #reverb daily prompts. Writing, especially on my reader-less zombie blog, has thus far been a great release. Part of me likes that someday someone might stumble upon it and read a paragraph or two, and another part of me is just aware that I type really fast and I get bored when scrawling in a journal (even though it's totally more romantic) most of the time. #reverb has been a good opportunity for reflection... thank you, #reverb.


December 3 Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).


Only one, hey? You're a difficult master.

There are a lot of things I can't say. Partly due to the seriousness, but also just partly due to my own overdeveloped sense of privacy.

However I will say that this was an amazing summer. I had a summer job that was challenging, stimulating, rewarding, exhausting and perfect. I was outside. I was drenched in Vitamin D. I could never pick a moment from an entire year, but let it be known that this was an amazing summer that resurrected parts of myself that have been dormant and swimming in muck for far too long. (EVIL DEVIL BOY!) I forgot everything but the moment because I had no choice, I was so busy, and I felt a peace I've been missing. I reclaimed my capacity for gratitude. I felt passion. (Not for a dude, chill.) I felt passion for work and while I didn't completely save myself from the pains I've inflicted on my flailing heart, I felt hope again and I felt a lot more self-love than I have in far too long.

My summer was sunshine, oxygen, burnt skin, freckles, tired calves, muddy feet, purpose, drive and balance.

It's trite because I can't tell you what happened. I can't tell you partly due to need for privacy but partly because I don't really know. I just know it was amazing and I reclaimed a part of myself, and accepted myself.

Lastly, I am a child of the sun and wind and cold, and I need the land I came from. My most alive moment? Always outside, always running and always loving nature.



December 4 – Wonder.

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?


(See above.)

No, really. I'm not going to write an entire mini-post on this because

a) lazy

b) don't wanna

c) it would be horribly redundant


I cultivated a sense of wonder this year by GOING OUTSIDE. By surrounding myself with the people I love instead of masochistically challenging myself to be only amongst strangers, to build character. (Who does that?!) I built myself up and it gave me time to look around and marvel. My needs were met and I could start satiating my wants. It's an amazing feeling. I'm in an entirely different head space than a year ago. I think my COMMUTE is pretty (it's not) and I've had more fun people watching this year than even my first year of university. (I was horny, 18 and there were boys everywhere- this is normal.)

I've learnt that I can't make this last. I've learnt that I can't build something for myself that will last my whole life, but I can thank the world for all I have every day and enjoy it as much as I can, and hope to learn as much as possible.

Nature, loved ones, loving thyself. Pretty sure that's in a pamphlet somewhere, but that recipe took me a while to concoct on my own.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

stim-u-li

I'm in my crunch week, I haven't slept more than 7 hours in the last three days, and I have a presentation to finish before work in four hours.

Naturally, I will blog.

I'm going to participate in the #reverb10 31 daily prompts, to get my creative juices flowin'.

Day One: (playing catch up here!)
December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

HOME.

I've actually lived in three cities this year, with four months in each, and you'd think that all that moving would leave me increasingly disconnected from my surroundings and feeling rootless.

Far from it. I've felt more at home wherever I've been this year than I have since my early twenties, since before the dread QLC (quarter life crisis). City #2, where I spent the first third of the year, was the first place I ever truly lived outside of my own hometown. I had to fight tooth and nail to make that place my own and it took a damn-long-time. My last four months there were undoubtedly my best; my best adventures, my friends, my best everything in City #2. What do I learn? That no matter where I am, if I have the right kind of relationships, I will be home.
Additionally, those relationships, those perfect, amazing friendships or what have you that make you feel connected to people and like you belong to one another- those are valuable and hard to find. I am %^*%&ing good at making friends, but my difficulty transitioning into City #2 really showed me just how much I'd built in the Hometown, and how impossible it would be to recreate that in just a few months. (But damn if I didn't try!)

Now I've been in City #3, and I've never ever felt more at home. I felt at home here in the first two weeks. I love the people I live with, my work, my house, my everything... I even love my commute. I can tell when I start to feel affection for buildings and the guy that tries to sell me newspapers from him on the second corner before my office and when I get excited about weather and revel in all of the possibility of a place... that what is really going on is that I am at home internally. I'm at home in myself again.

A lot of this has to do with making grieving progress over evildevilboy. Air smells fresher, my clothes seem to fit better (they don't though) and all the little details of life are bringing me joy again. I feel like I'm adding to my life again, instead of just trying to stay afloat.

Additionally, I've accepted that I want to live close to my family. I had to actually give myself permission to want that, I've felt like it makes me weak. Really, I'm just lucky to have a good one... my family is my gift horse, and I'm going to stop looking it in the mouth.

(Great writing? God no. Am I at least rambling???? Better than silence!)

Paisley out.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Whoops

Okay, so I didn't blog in a while.
In a long while.
Which is very naughty blogging behavior, even for someone with literally no readers.

Anyways.

I have some serious homework to do today, both life and school, and if my thoughts don't stop tumbling around my head there's a good chance I'll never focus on anything long enough to accomplish it.

Random Thought #1:
Have you ever noticed how many people describe themselves as "the people that leave,"? As the people who run from relationships? Whenever they're criticizing themselves, they lament that they are completely unable to commit to someone, to something. They had a great thing, and they just took off, what's wrong?

How on EARTH is this even possible that EVERYONE is the leaver? EVERYONE!? In my observations and experience, it's usually just one person who does the leaving, and another one who gets left. How could we ALL be the leavers? Is that just the sexiest of the interpersonal problems? Everyone needs a reason to explain why they're alone and their needs aren't getting met, so they choose the socialization vice that makes them seem and feel most in control?

It always seems to me that the people who advertise their inability to stay when things are good are usually trying to convince themselves that they're in control. Rather than criticizing themselves for abandoning something worthwhile, it seems that it's more of a celebration of their maintained upper hand.

Do the real "Leavers" (the true pathological leavers) really advertise this fact? Would they really even want anyone to know?

Sometimes I'm jealous of the Leavers. Although I guess I probably wouldn't remember anyone I'd left, since I wasn't attached enough to notice.



Other random thoughts forthcoming throughout the day as they distract me...


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Little Perspective

So, in the last month I've written four or five "secret" angsty posts that I never published.

I can sum them up as "blah blah blah, evil devil boy, blah blah blah."

I think we've all heard a few versions of that story before, so I'm going to spare any readers that pain and spare me the annoyance of rehashing that tripe again.

One thing I need to do, when I find myself wallowing in the muck of my own masochistic mind when I'm grieving, is find those opportunities to truly pull myself back out of myself and get some perspective. Perspective on the weight of my own problems and the width of the world. (It's wide. Very, very wide.) There are a lot of times that I'll remind myself, "Hey, buck up buttercup because you have legs and some people don't. Get grateful." but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I'm in the wrong frame of mind and just continue to wallow in my self-pity, and sometimes I just need that specific story, that specific mirror of another's experiences to remind me that I'm not alone in the world, I'm not the only one experiencing pain and grief and there are a lot of beautiful things in the world that I could be experiencing instead.

The following short video just kicked my ass left, right and sideways. It's a little heartbreaking, and the Ethics Cop in me wonders if it's not a bit exploitive at the very end, but it's raw and more honest than most conversations.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

I want to spend my life in the good moments. Just the good moments.

(No lectures about the importance of hard times to appreciate the good times now, I'm dreaming. Let me dream.)

I want to spend my life the way I spent this summer.
Correction, the way I spent this summer before someone poured lemon juice and salt and vodka on an old wound of mine that just keeps flaring up. Really, the wound (who is a person) is more of an ulcer that just doesn't seem to go away.

Before "The Ulcer" flared up again (damn them), I had almost everything I needed. Their memory was finally becoming more distant, diluting itself. I was spending my time in the sunshine (best. job. ever.), reconnecting with friends I'd missed and my weekends were always at a wedding.

Which might sound like crap to you, but I spent my weekends celebrating, dancing, eating good food, feeling pretty and most importantly, reminding people that I loved them and that I loved that they loved each other. (Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Mmmm mmmm good.)

I want to spend my life loving what I do have.
I want to spend it hugging people that I love all the time.
I want to spend it with enough emotional energy TO love people and to be open to new people in my life.
I want to find a way not to care when my family asks why I still don't have a boyfriend. (Family, when I have a boyfriend worth introducing to you, I promise you'll meet them.)
I want to be able to having fulfilling companionship in my life; I don't want to give up on that yet.
I don't want to wake up thinking of my demons.
I don't want to have a demon at all.
I want to break the cycle that I'm in.
I want to do meaningful work. (I'm on track! Whoo hoo!)

I want to never feel the urge to write such a trite/emo/serious post again. Ever. (I probably will, but probably won't post it. Hell, I might not post this.)

On the plus side of life, despite the re-emergence of "The Ulcer," (goawaygoawaygoaway), I, um... have some really good tea right now. And amazing friends who've lasted for years and will last for years more. And a warm place to sleep which is more than I can say for many people in this world.

So I should tuck my first-world problems away and figure out a way to vanquish them later.

Peace out.

~ Paisley



Sunday, August 29, 2010

To Do List... (movies)

I can't believe I never saw this/saw a preview!


... or this...


... must acquire entire day of free time and watch movies.

YSST: Various and Random

1.) I'm really attracted to good calves.
2.) When I look at many of my friends, I have bum envy.
3.) There's a certain plastic surgery I lust after, but will probably never get. (It has nothing to do with my bum or calves though.)
4.) I think I'm over my ex!I (I can't tell my real-world people though, because if I'm not quite yet I don't want to sound the trumpet too soon.)
5.) I think all I really want is the simple life. With occasional international adventures, a miniature donkey and maybe a good vietnamese/japanese/ethiopian restaurant nearby.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Couch to 5K?

I didn't run, which is a bad sign.

I DID have coffee with a friend and eat a vegetarian sandwich... do I get a point for the sandwich?

:) Paisley


Sunday, August 15, 2010

Nest?


I love blogs. (Okay, we've covered that.)

I love fashion blogs. (We covered that too.) I also love design blogs.

Normally, I recoil at the idea of nesting in my domestic space.

Nesting means I'm staying. Nesting means that the future is beginning to take shape and my dreaming in constricted. Nesting means that it's even less likely that this time next year I'll be living and working and thriving in a place I'd never pictured myself being before... like Istanbul, or Boise, or Lima.

My deep need to remain relatively unattached and nomadic keeps me from doing practical things, like buying that low-priced industrial sized box of toothpaste at Costco that will save me so much in the long run or purchasing basic cooking supplies like olive oil. Because, you know, if I buy that massive box of toothpaste tubes and that bottle of olive oil, well then just you watch I'll end up moving and have to pack all of that damn toothpaste and cooking oil down twelve flights of stairs and find a place for it in my UHaul.
And that would be really annoying for me.
So I can't possibly engage in such obvious nesting activities like purchasing extra toothpaste, let alone expend energy painting walls or decorating.

But today, I kind of feel like nesting. I'd like to buy pretty things for my walls and have one of those dwellings that make people ooh and ahh when they walk in. I will be the dinner party queen! Everyone will want to have supper at my place because it's just so damn cute. I'll even have extra toothpaste for guests after they finish their meal. Man I'm awesome. In my head.

Since the gypsy impulse is still the dominant one, I thought I'd day dream on the blog and pretend my apartment is just this cute.


(Source: Pal & Smith)

(Source: Pal & Smith)

(Source: Anita Kaushal)

(Source: Sweet Space)

(Source: Sweet Space)


Appropriating The Goals Of Others...

So the last hour or so of my life went something like this...

6:43 pm - Return home from amazing party (wedding) in beautiful mountainous area. Am delighted with life, and a little bit sunburnt.
6:46 pm - Finish unloading luggage into bedroom. Set noble goal to unpack everything tonight.
6:57 pm - Find that I have unpacked nothing, but have managed to check my email. Luggage remains untouched.
7:05 pm - Publish blog post about the virtues of wedding celebrations
7:06 pm - Crave soda pop
7:07 pm - Acquire soda pop; snuggle into bed and open blog reader
7:28 pm - Update myself on favourite blogs! Am a blog-glutton and happy.
7:29 pm - Notice that a sizable number of the blogs I follow all revolve around peoples outfits. Yes, that's right, most of the blogs I feel the need to obsess over are about what people wear.
7:30 pm - Feel hideously shallow, yet crave thinner hips so as to look like very fashionable blogging heros.
7:32 pm - Eat pasta. Counter-productive to fashionably thinner hips goal.
7:33 pm - Conclude that I don't care. Pasta is delicious.
7:35 pm - Resolve to begin following more blogs that have less to do with aesthetics and more to do with healthy betterment of self!
7:36 pm - Am smugly impressed with awesomeness of new blog-reading goal. I am so great.
7:37 pm - Begin internet search for a personalized fitness blog. Desire to read about a real human, preferably an un-athletic one like myself, exploring fitness and fitness communities.
7:40 pm - Have found only hyper-commercial fitness "blogs" from companies peddling perverse looking at-home exercise equipment and diet supplements. Am not impressed.
7:42 pm - Continue to find only mass-marketing schemes masquerading as human bloggers. Am despondent.
7:44 pm - Find "Working On My Fitness" by a nice gal named Susan! Seems quite human and does not appear to be an extension of an evil multinational corporation hell-bent on selling me protein powder. References Fergie and BEP in blog title. Amused and impressed.
7:45 pm - Susan is very cool, but I cannot find a post on physical health yet. Susan is too well rounded.
7:46 pm - I have found it! Susan's post "A Love/Hate Relationship With Running" is exactly what I'm looking for. She has tips! She experienced success! Best of all, she's a normal human being like me and if Susan can learn to run... maybe ~I~ can learn to run. And get a sexy bum.
8:17 pm - Have completed blog post about desire to learn to run. Must take the "Couch to 5K" challenge as described by blogger Susan.
8:18 pm - Leave to make more pasta. Do not run.... yet. Have charged ipod and found my ankle socks; things are looking good for tomorrow.


So I may or may not take the "Couch to 5K" challenge. I'll sleep on it and get back to you... although it seems like that would be a much nobler thing to do with a blog than essentially saying all the dirty words I don't feel like I can say in real life. (Such as "I like attending weddings," or "I'm attracted to stereotypically hot men.")

I'll probably do both. :)

Paisley out!

YSST: I love weddings

Not exactly rife with controversy, but in my circles it seems to be a daring thing to say.

We, the-hip-and-educated, don't love weddings.

Weddings have an ugly history of oppressing and objectifying women.
Weddings are narcissistic, naval-gazing rituals of opulence.
Weddings are expensive.
Weddings creative monstrous perfectionists out of normally laid-back women (and men.)

There's a grain of truth in everything I've just said, and I've probably argued all of the above to others at one point or another. (Most likely during my first undergraduate experience, when I first truly got to know my good friend Feminism. More on that later.)

However, I can honestly say that I have thoroughly enjoyed and loved 93.482% of the weddings I've attended in my day. (And I've been attending them frequently since birth, so that's a very impressive and completely legitimate statistic.)

Reasons I love weddings:

1.) Weddings bring people together.
2.) More specifically, weddings give people who love each other a reason to travel obscene distances just to remind themselves that they love each other.
3.) Weddings are communal. (Weddings help to build and sustain community! I sound like a pamphlet, but I really feel this way.)
4.) At weddings, I DANCE!
5.) Weddings are true inter-generational parties. (I dance with grandma's and babies all at once!)
6.) Weddings are a beautiful practice in optimism and positive thinking. (Why look at the black clouds of life when the silver linings ARE RIGHT IN YOUR FACE?!?!)
7.) I always make new friends at weddings. (This is my favorite hobby by far.)


Even at the most awkward weddings, people stand up for the requisite speeches and appreciate each other. For some people, this is trite and annoying... and to them I say, suck it up, I'm having a good time.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Paisley the Road-Cranky Highway Gypsy

I have been on the road for 6+ hours, and am looking forward to spending the first 2.5 hours of my work day also on the road. Then at the end of the day I will spend another 2.5 hours on the road. SUPERFANTASTICAWESOME, right?

If in my last post, about how de-freakin-lightful life is, I waxed poetic about the glories of highway driving in the summer sunshine with some good music... rest assured that the novelty has finally (after 1000s of kilometers) worn off. I want nothing more than to stay in the same place for an entire week.

Lies... I want a tighter bum, a fat bank account and maybe a pony much more than that.

But it would be nice.

(Imagine... eating dinner on a plate! Taking naps! Reading books! Walking places- you know, with my legs! Apparently they were engineered to do more than operate the gas and break pedals... so I'm told.)

Paisley out.

Monday, August 2, 2010

YSST: I think Julia Roberts is sort of annoying

I know, I know, it's not exactly a deep personal confession from the deepest recesses of my heart...

.... but seriously, has she ever played a new character? As in distinguishable from the last?

(no. she has not.)

Even when she played Erin Brokovich, it was pretty much Julia Roberts with a questionable wardrobe throwing Roberts-esque temper tantrums.

Which leads me to feel that she's just a collection of facial expressions and some nice teeth. (Really, really nice teeth. Kudos on the teeth.)

That being said, I can't act my way out of .....

I'm not sure how to finish that expression.